Joy & Happiness

During the Vietnam War era, a high school English teacher had a classroom of students that constantly belittled one another. One cruel comment after another was heard when students could talk. The teacher grew tired of the negativity. So tired, in fact, that one day after a particularly bad bout of negative remarks, he stopped the lesson and let them know the comments needed to stop. He told his students “We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down.”

He changed the lesson for the day. He gave each student one blank sheet and told them to write their names across the top. He asked each student to grab a pen or pencil and go around the room and write on each student’s paper something positive or inspiring about that person. It took some time, but the students did it.

After that exercise the class settled down and fewer negative comments were heard. It wasn’t long afterwards that that class graduated and moved on. Some students were drafted and went overseas to fight. Others went on to college or work. Sadly, One of the students from the class was drafted , sent to Vietnam and died in battle.

At the funeral, many nice things were said about the young man killed in action, but one eulogists commented about a piece of paper found folded in his shirt pocket. It on it were written kind words and compliments. At the grave site people wondered about that piece of paper and its origins. Without hesitation, three other former students said they knew exactly where it came from and pulled their paper from their pockets and wallets and explained the exercise the teacher had done.

Maybe it’s the stuff of urban legend, but today’s world, I like to think this can happen. People need to hear something positive right now, if not positive then funny or inspiring. Words are way to boost people in positive way to lift their spirits. Words are simple ways we can give back to our community, online or otherwise.

Speak with good intent, not evil impulse

More specifically to speak with a “good intent” to help uplift our world in a small way. Today’s media makes is so easy to send an impulsive nasty comment, picture or video when we’re angry, hurt, or fearful, while hiding behind a computer screen miles away or on the phone.

Sometimes the best action before responding or writing is to pause before actually saying or writing something. Steve Covey, an internationally recognized leadership authority and organizational consultant, used the phrase “the gap between stimulus and response.” In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he explains, “Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.” We can choose our response to a given stimulus (statement or circumstance). This is also part of what’s called Emotional Intelligence.

During that pause I can ask myself, what is it I’m trying to achieve with my response? If my reaction is to cause something negative, I need to rethink my response. If my response is to add information missing or to present truth supported with facts then I will proceed. The pause helps me to be more effective. The pause could last a while. It could be five minutes or five years. It depends on the circumstance with me.

During that pause I can ask myself, what is it I’m trying to achieve with my response?

To help with my response, I found this acronym of questions to help me formulate a response. The acronym is called THINK.

• T — is it True?
• H — is it Helpful?
• I — is it Inspiring or funny?
• N — is it Necessary?
• K — is it Kind?

Is it True?

Three things about the truth.

First, am I putting forth the best response? Our emotional response of pride, fear, jealousy, revenge, suspicion, anger and hatred that rise up from what we read or hear can make it easy to respond with negativity. It’s quick and easy to spread rumors, false information, and meanness these days on the internet. One click of a button and thousands more viewers can see it, as well.

Two, am I being true to myself? Our need to be heard and understood of our needs and desires are also the truth. Assertiveness in words is not bad. It let’s others know our needs. When we stay quiet and not say tell the other when something said or some person’s action bother’s us or when we disagree with someone else, there are times when we need to speak up for ourselves. Otherwise, we run the risk of becoming passive until we can’t take it anymore and we explode with negativity.

Three, am I using Objective language. Objective language means your statement uses facts found from reliable sources and your statement avoids use of negative, positive or derogatory words in your statement. Bring the truth, the facts, the data to back your statement and avoid coloring your language with adjectives or opinions. People crave the truth.

“Good words anoint us, and ill do unjoint us.”

Romanian Proverb

Is it Helpful?

Your response to something written, is it helpful to those reading it? Are you offering your experience, knowledge, or links to help others gain valuable information or alleviate anxieties? Almost like being a teacher, we can share our knowledge or experience in a way that brings people together and encourages others to share their knowledge or experience.

Is it Inspiring or funny?

People like to be inspired. We all need motivation to act sometimes, especially when we’re on our own. What constitutes inspiration will differ among readers. But, if something inspires you, chances are it might inspire someone else.

Reading something funny can relax my nerves or raise my distress when I see in print. Your inspired to write or say something you believe is funny. It might be worth it to reflect before you speak or write.

If your not funny, maybe it would be better to, just share something funny that you think will help people relax.

“I tell people, the only time people laugh at something I say is when I’m serious.”

My brother-in-law isn’t funny himself, but he shares with me things he finds daily online. I look forward each morning to his posts. It’s like reading the comics in the morning. It brightens my day.

As I write this, I just read someone on social media asking for some funny memes to cheer her up. Not far down from that post, another person is asking for quotes that inspire. Humorous words, pictures and video can be an incredible source for better mental, spiritual, and physical health.

Is it Necessary?

Is it necessary to write or say something catty, snarky, or mean just because the other person hurt your feelings?

Is it necessary to distribute unverified information, conspiracy theories, or your opinions. Worse, is it necessary to purposely start a thread you know will raise readers’ dander, blood pressure, and heart rate and cause dissension and argument among readers.

Ask yourself how necessary it it to say something that you might regret later or might fulfill some retribution you might feel entitled to?

Necessary means providing information, all around humor, uplifting words or memes. Does what you write support these?

Is it Kind?

Responses to what someone writes can lift a person’s spirit, help them feel better about a situation or themselves, and encourage the readers to grow in social, emotional and cognitive intelligence. Kindness leads the way in this regard. Your words, even in the most heated argument can help calm a situation, bring peace to people’s minds, and yes, even joy to their hearts.

So think about your response when you hear or read something that get’s your feelings flowing. Use that pause, that time between when you took in the information and when you are ready to respond. Think of the word THINK. Is what you are about to say True, Helpful, Inspiring or funny, Necessary, or Kind? If it isn’t you may think about altering your response in a way that truly enhances the conversation toward Peace, Joy or Love.

No Response

One last thought, sometimes the best response is no response. That by itself makes a statement. I’d rather not add negativity or worse an evil thought to the conversation because I disagree with what is said. With me, this happens half the time.

My Own Story

That story I told you about about the Vietnam-era English teacher. Well, as an English teacher, I did the same paper exercise in my classes around Christmas time each year. I told students they were going to give each other a gift this Holiday season, the gift of words. I instructed them to write something positive or uplifting about each student in the class.

I gave each student a blank paper. I asked them to print their name at the top. Then, I gave them 10 minutes to go around the room and write something positive or inspiring about each student. Each class wrote something positive for each student in the class, with some classes setting up a paper for me.

Years later former students still come up to me and pull that piece of paper from that day out of their purse or wallet. “I still have it,” they say.

Words have power even years later. Let’s choose our words well.

Peace, Love, Joy

We all have a “happy place” or “happy activity,” but sometimes we get lost in the day’s events, work activities, responsibilities and lose sight of that one thing that really “fills our well,” lifts our spirit. It’s our core being and without it we can feel like we’re suffocating in life. We can feel drained to the point where our loved ones don’t feel loved anymore. How can we love them if we don’t even love ourselves?

My wife and I recently dealt with this issue. First, it was my wife. I could tell she was sinking, not happy, lying around. Here we were retired, traveling, no worries, no health issues, but something was missing from her life. We looked back over what had changed. It turned out she really missed having a dog and missed the caring for the grandchildren and her plants. The main theme that ran through all these things is caring for them. Caring for plants, people, and animals — and sometimes husbands — really fills her spirit immediately.

So, we went home. We rescued a dog that she dotes on. The grandchildren she sees at least once a week and she started growing and selling succulent plants online. Her happiness soared. She laughs, again. She’s her old funny self . . . most days.

I’m still in the dog house, occasionally.

Next it was my turn to lapse into sullenness a year later. It happened so quick and I didn’t recognize it, but my wife did. She said. I can tell you are suffocating. What do you miss that you need in your life?

I knew right away. I told her I need to create. I want to finish writing my novel even if no one read it. I wanted to write this blog, write letters to friends, complete small projects I started around the house.

Within ten minutes of me sitting at my computer stringing words together, I felt my spirits lift. I felt a sense of joy and contentment. My wife commented on my different mood as she walked by my desk.

I thought about other creative projects I particularly wanted to see completed, especially with my ’94 Toyota truck I’m renovating for a camping trip. Though working on the camper shell and putting in lights interests me, I found that it did not lift my spirit. It felt more like a chore than a gift to me. As soon as I went back to writing — creative writing — my spirits lifted.

I’ve always felt that I wanted to be a creative writer. I avoided it for financial reasons, but now in my later years I see how much of life I’ve missed by not focusing on what my intuition had led me to.

Finding that one in life that makes one feel joy, sometimes isn’t easy. How does one find their “One Thing” that lifts their spirit, to make one feel happier or more carefree when one is not sure?

I ponder this question and came up with a few possibilities, though none of the following ideals is proven by science. They are possible answers.

What attracts you?

Looking at what reading material , television shows, places you visit or conversations that energizes you. These can give hints as to what you enjoy. I love going into book stores and wandering the aisles. I love reading about authors, their lives, their thoughts about writing. I enjoy a good adventure novel. Most of all I love going to book festivals and listening to authors talk about their latest works. This hints to me a direction to look.

Who do you admire?

Looking back at people you admire living or dead. Are you living vicariously through that person? Do you really long to be doing what they are doing but fear trying? A friend admires doctors and nurses and puts them in high regard. One time she fell into conversation with a doctor she met. He interrupted the conversation to ask, “Are you in the medical field?” The woman blushed and said, “No.” He said, “You fooled me.”

What were your favorite activities or your greatest successes growing up?

Sometimes we lose track of the thing we found such great satisfaction. We might take it for granted or negated it as some silly thing, but it could hold a kernel of truth to what gives you inner strength to keep going. I remember writing, producing and directing a play when I was younger. I didn’t think anything of it. It was a kid thing, but it started me thinking about all the crazy creative endeavors I did as a kid. I created stories in my room. I created a carnival, a bowling alley, a game show, a new board game. I loved creating something from nothing. As I grew older I abandoned those activities as childish and frivolous. Years later I’m coming back to these same things because they renew my spirit.

Will an assessment help?

Assessments are a fancy word for tests. I love certain personality assessments that give you an idea of your preferences.. They must be viewed in a “free thinking” manner, not to label yourself. It’s not empirical science but not a parlor game either. It might just stir a memory you hadn’t thought about in years or one that you buried.

Some examples are the Myers Briggs and StrengthFinders. Both of these tests offer someone possible ideas to one’s preferences. Preferences are what you lean toward, what’s most comfortable to you. A good example of a physical preferences is the hand you write with. That’s your preference. Now, imagine your preference toward interests, passions, and activities.

You can find a free Myers Briggs test online. There is a fee for the StrengthFinders, though.

After taking both. The thing at stands out is my preference and strength with creativity.

When I saw this it awoke in me something I hid from myself, something I buried inside and did not tell anyone, but there it was in print in front of me. I felt a cold chill run down my spine as if I had been exposed. “How did that know that about me? I had never mentioned it to anyone?” That one thing was to be a creative writer.

So, now I don’t ignore the feeling. I do what satisfies me: to create and especially to write creatively. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads what I write. It’s the process that’s valuable and fulfilling. In being creative, I feel good about myself. So much so that I can give back to my family, friends, and others in my community.

Step out of you comfort zone.

Maybe you still haven’t found that “one thing” that really peps you up. Maybe it’s just a step away, though. Sometimes we have to wander into uncharted activities to connect with that one thing that will bring us joy.

For one young husband and father, it was starting a business. He reached a new low in life and felt so empty and depressed at his life situation. With income low and bills high and a new child to care for, he felt old beyond his years. Someone mentioned starting a cleaning business. The man scoffed at the idea, but he needed money. He went ahead and tried it anyway and after his first job, his joy for life came back. It wasn’t the actually work. It was that he was creating something from nothing. Creating a business where he provided a service and eventually he would give people jobs. He would never have considered starting a business had he not been forced to earn more money somewhere.

So, what is it that makes you feel so good about yourself that you can start giving back to others.

There was an old television show back in the 1960’s where a boxer had a day job as a janitor at a business. He was the happiest person in the world at his job: so friendly with all the customers, so helpful to anyone that needed a hand, but the owner did not like that he was a boxer, and asked him to quit. She felt that being a pugilist was an uncivilized hobby.

So, to he honored her request and quit the ring. Well, within a week, that same man became rude, uncivil and down right mean to people. The owner and other employees recognized that he was not the same person, that boxing was his “happy place.” The owner suggested the man go back to boxing. He did and his old nice personality came back.

The moral to me: don’t give up who you are to please someone else. You wind up pleasing no one, including yourself. Find that one thing.

Peace, Love, Joy

I can be a downright depressing person to be around. Usually, I’ve made myself miserable in my own mind and blamed it on other people or circumstances. No, I don’t have any chemical imbalance or other psychological issues, I just learned to mope.

My dad taught me how to mope. I asked him one time, “How do I let people know when I don’t like something.” He told me to make a really sad face which I saw him do all the time. He was a good model for moping.

Unfortunately, I learned to be a great “moper”, too, which I figured out later in life was just another way of being a passive personality type. I avoided the issue by just putting on a sad face and going away or should I say running away from the issue.

It would take most of my life to figure out moping does not get what you want. For a number of reasons.

One, most people have their own troubles and needs and just get annoyed or nervous around a moper.

Two, moping pushes people away from me, so not only do I not get what I want, I isolate myself from others.

Three, people are not mind readers, unless I express what I want or need chances are it will be a cold day in Hell before people figure it out.

Sadly, it was feeling the end of my time on earth slipping away, before I pushed myself to express my desires. I don’t have the time to wait around for people to figure out what I want. I need to express it, now.

Through research, I learned two techniques that worked for me.

The first technique: be assertiveness with my needs.

This is new for me because I associated assertiveness with the assholes in life, those people that assert their wants on others and others accommodate for them, bending their own will to give the ass-ert-er what they want.

I would accommodate everyone because I try to be a nice guy, but there reaches a point where I need to say, enough and not mope about it.

It turns out assertiveness is not necessarily a bad thing. There’s a way to be assertive without being a jerk. I learned three statements to tell the person causing the problem in a nice way.

First, describe to the person or persons your need and explain that in a neutral or objective way.

For instance, my wife and I committed to a group meeting. after we received the information and I read through it, I didn’t want to commit anymore, but I didn’t say anything, I just moped. She talked about it, but the closer the day came the more I moped. Finally, I drew up the courage to be assertive and told her in an objective, non-judgmental way that I did not want to go to the meeting, nor did I want to commit to any further contact with that group. I told her how the topic made me uncomfortable.

To my surprise, she felt the same way, but neither one of us had the courage to speak up. We both came away happier and more at peace with our decision. Imagine if I had just stayed passive and not said how I felt. We’d both be going to this “thing” that neither one of us really wanted to attend. We’d both be miserable. Instead we felt relieved.

“Winner, winner, chicken dinner,” for us.

One more thing about being assertive with your needs: Avoid negative comments about the other person. When you feel the urge to be snarky, bite your lip, count to ten, do whatever it takes not to criticize the other person.

Just stay kind and calm in your tone and talk about your specific need, the time and the action necessary to do it.

Second, describe how what’s going on makes you feel. The other person, may already have some idea, but it’s still important to clarify how you are feeling.

For instance, I sometimes display moody, sad days where I can’t get myself going, where, nothing seems to interest me, but I know how to get out of it for me, but I don’t know how to tell people. My wife can see it. So, when I tell her how I feel she listens. Just yesterday, I mentioned how down I felt. She said, “Almost like you are suffocating?” I told her “Yes! my time spent on things that sap my energy have brought me to a new low.” I do things for other people. I like to help, and I feel genuine enjoyment from seeing the relief or contentment within them from my help, but sometimes it goes to far, because helping people is not my happy place.

She knows what this feels like. Her “happy place” is doting on plants, kids, and animals . . . and sometimes her husband. When she has time to interact with one of these three, her mood lifts almost instantly.

My “happy place” is creativity. When I get to create my joy soars. It’s almost instantaneous. Just writing this blog puts a smile on my face even if no one reads it.

I have my novel that’s nearly finished. Writing my novel puts me in my “happy place.”

Three, describe the changes you’d like to make. Be specific about what actions should stop or what actions should start.

Finally, I let my wife know the changes I need to make to get back to a good place with her and the family. I am specific. For instance, I set aside two hours of writing time. That’s my time. That fills “my tank,” so I can be more helpful and friendly the rest of the day. She honors this request. I am way happier during the day, now.

The second technique I learned is to be a “broken record.”

The “broken record” is what I need to use when, after I have been assertive with my need, the other person counters with the reason I can’t have what I want.

In the past, I would freeze up and just say “okay,” surrender to the other and then go back to sulking.

Now, with my life slipping away, I can’t do that anymore, but I don’t want to get defensive or angry or pout, so the “broken record” technique helps me stay my course in a calm manner. The Broken Record technique is three steps:

First step: State your need

Usually, I’ve already stated my need to the person and how I feel, but sometimes the other person comes back with why they need me to do or act a certain way. This is where the “broken record” comes in.

Second step: Verbalize the other person’s statement and then state your need, like it’s a broken record.

Whatever is mentioned as an excuse, verbalize the other person’s excuse, but then add your need. It’s important to say it in a way that doesn’t antagonize the other person like not sounding sarcastic or rude but sounding caring and calm.

I heard our neighbors in an argument in their backyard. The wife needed the husband to help more around the house and watch the kids. The husband gave her one excuse after another, but the wife stayed the course with the broken record technique. She mentioned his excuse, but then expressed what she needed. She did this over and over with each excuse he mentioned. She did throw in a few, “I need you to listen to me.” A few days later, I saw the husband walking the kids to school.

I will admit, I don’t have this technique down yet because it comes close to being in conflict with the person. It’s seems easier to do with kids than adults, but I’ll work on it as the need arises.

What I found with my new-found assertiveness is people appreciate my honest. Hell, I appreciate my honesty. It turns out that gut-honest communication is one of my “happy places,” as well. Maybe it’s yours, too.

Peace, Joy, Love